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Would you like to rent a sandwich and other computer industry foibles |
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 The WWDC is coming soon and with it all of the associated gossip, claptrap, idle musing, desperate desires, odd ball commentary and of course the rumors and predictions. Stuff like:
"Steve Jobs is going to introduce the ViPod, a video enabled iPod"
"Apple is going to start using magic crystals as storage devices."
"The new G5 will give you an automatic +1 attack in Everquest."
"Microsoft is going to buy Kenya."
"Jobs has officially become one with the force."
In truth though, the endless commentary can wear on you. Its kind of like the 9 hour pre-game show the super-bowl has. 9 hours? I can't imagine caring about a team enough to sit through all 9 hours of a pre-game show. I mean, if you can wrap it up in 30 min. on any other Sunday what exactly are you going to be spouting off then for the other 8.5 hours? Any guesses? Filler thats what. And I hate filler. So, this then is not going to be your "average" WWDC article. Oh no my friend, it will be much more.
But before we get into the whole "rent a sandwich" thing let me first convey this important message to you. I don't like Microsoft. Do you know why? Well there's lots of reasons actually. But the most recent reason is their new "it'll be in Longhorn" campaign they have going on. I guarantee you that no matter what Apple introduces during the WWDC, later in the week MS will claim that its in Longhorn. And someone will interview Balmer and the conversation will go something like this:
Reporter - "Well, Apple's spotlight seems to be a big hit so far."
Balmer - "Yeah well it'll be in Longhorn."
Reporter - "Actually wasn't it already supposed to be in Longhorn? I thought you cut that feature."
Balmer - "Well, its not really cut, its rather in 'indefinite further development'."
Reporter - "Riiiiight. Well, Apple has just debuted a new 3D animation program that will now be bundled with the iLife Suite. It looks pretty impressive in fact . . ."
Balmer - "Oh that t'll be in Longhorn too."
Reporter - "Really? I wasn't aware MS was working in that direction."
Balmer - "Oh yes, we have been working on that for years. In fact, we thought of it first. We actually invented animation, Apple is just coping us again."
Reporter - "Riiiight. Yeah. Ok. Um, any comments on the new upgraded iPod?"
Balmer - "Oh yeah that t'll be in Longho--, I mean, yes we noticed that. But everyone knows that the iPod is just a fad that will go away soon."
Reporter - "And you are basing that on what exactly? The fact that Apple dominates the market? The fact that iPod sales have steadily increased since the product was released? The fact that the ITMS is the only profitable music download service? What? What would make you think that the iPod won't continue to dominate the market? Is it just wishful thinking or are you just smoking more crack than usual?"
And so on and so on. Microsoft will either try and discredit it (i.e. the iPod is a fad, yeah, just like the car was a fad) or they will do their "it'll be in Longhorn" line. They never say when exactly it will show up but they are absolutely positive that "one day" it will be in Longhorn. To that all I have to say is "one day" I will be banging Angelina Jolie like a storm door in a hurricane, "one day".
And you know each time one of these WWDCs comes around it must grate on Bill's nerves something fierce. Because each time Jobs gets on stage and talks about Tiger you know he wants to say "Hey Bill, we made an OS in two years that you couldn't do in four years with half the features. So suck on it." Well, maybe he doesn't think exactly that, but if I were him I know I would.
Now, oh readers of mine, ye have been quite patient up until this point. And I know that each and every one of you are waiting with bated breath to find out just where you can rent a sandwich so, without further ado or aplomb, let me explain.
I don't particularly like Napster. Nothing against the company personally, I just think they are selling a stupid product. A product that no one really wants. And it made me think, what would be as ridiculous as trying to convince people to rent music from you forever? Then it hit me, sandwiches! What if the following occurred:
You walked into a seemingly ordinary deli. As you order a sandwich you notice that it is remarkable cheap. In fact, you are told that you can have as many sandwiches as you could ever eat all for one low price. Eagerly anticipating your meal you sit down, order the club and wait for your waitress. Soon enough she sets before you a mouth watering meal and you begin to eat. Well, you try to begin to eat. You see, your sandwich is encased in bullet proof glass that have little holes on the sides and a small sliding door on top. What is this you exclaim? Why, that is what you ordered, you are told. You express your confusion as to how exactly you are to eat your meal and are rewarded with the following explanation. You can't actually "eat" the sandwich, however you can smell it all you like. Thus the holes in the sides. You can even lick the top, thus the sliding door, though no biting is allowed! Anytime you are done with this one you can order another sandwich and smell and lick it as much as you like. Every hour the waitress will come around and charge you $15 to stay at the table. If you can't pay then you have to leave. But how are you supposed to eat anything, you ask bewilderedly? Please sir, you are told, nobody wants to eat anymore. That business model is the "old way" of doing things, this is the "new way" and as you can see, it is much better.
So, in wrapping this all up, there will be some wild speculation concerning the WWDC, most of which will be wrong. However, just to be on the safe side MS will have Balmer out and about proclaiming that whatever Apple can do MS can do better. They aren't completely sure what Jobs is going to announce but they are sure that they stuff will be better. What else? Steve will talk about how great Apple is doing. I think if Apple was filling for bankruptcy and the creditors were auctioning off the furniture at the Cupertino headquarters Steve would still say how wonderful everything is. But thats ok, its part of his charm. Oh, Jobs will unveil something new and cool about the iPod and of course Bill and Napster will say that the iPod's end is nigh. And then Jobs will do his "one more thing" spiel to hordes of crazed Mac fans. And then everyone will go home.
Now, before I leave you, let me say this on a serious note. I would pay attention to the whole iPod/iTunes thing because personally I think something big is in the works. But who knows? We shall see. Till then, keep on trucking and have a sandwich or two for me. |
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June 5 2005, 11:18 AM EDT, by |
Comments:
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| Woo |
6/5/05, 5:13 PM EDT |
Lovely article. I agree about the sanwitches. Monthy subscription would be WONDERFUL if you OWNED what you downloaded. Bot make it all void if I cancel the service? Horrible, and no one wants it. WWDC will be amazing, it always is.
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| DJ-LC |
6/5/05, 8:14 PM EDT |
I can't wait!
And as always: kickass article, Toupster.
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