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Fake Rumor Friday |
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 Sorry folks, but we can't really explain the lack of articles lately. At least real articles where we do more than regurgitate what someone else has said and then provide a link to the full story (not that regurgitation of this nature isn't without its upside). No, it's safer to not speak about why we haven't been posting much. But we've never been ones to do "the safe thing", so here goes.
We've been on one of those rumor-finding hunts, the kind where we risk limb and limb to find out what Apple will be doing next. The things we do for you, really.
Anyhoo, as the astute 2GAMAAW reader will remember, we reported back in March that a source of ours (who was thereafter blatantly outed as Cosmic Stan) stated that PowerMacs were due that week. Well we now have incontrovertible evidence that updated PowerMacs will be issuing forth from Apple, get this, soon. You heard it here first.
But even better than that, we've found out exactly why the PowerMacs have been delayed. And no, it's not because of temperature control issues or anything so mundane as that. Now, make sure there are no PC users peeking over your shoulder reading this.
All clear?
Ok ... there's a shortage of G5 processor's becuase they're apparently being used in an altogether different Apple product. What's that product you ask? None other than the iPod. That's right, folks: the iPod G5. The iPod's form factor will be totally revamped to house the faster processor and will have so many features your head will literally blow up from excitement.
For instance, the iPod G5 will of course have the video capability everyone has been clamouring for, hard drives in the size of 1, 2, and 3 terabytes, and get this - you can plug it into a PowerMac G5 where OS X can take advantage of its multithreading capabilities and use the iPod as an external processor. A Firewire 800 cable will provide a fast enough bus for the PowerMac to realize an 87% gain in speed for each iPod G5 you connect to it.
The iPod G5 technically has a 12" screen, but using some type of Stephen Hawking scalar spatial mathematics and a wormhole somewhere, Apple manages to cram the 12 inches into just 5 inches of actual "space". (It took us forever to translate from Cosmic Stan on this.)
On top of that, Apple is also turning the new iPod into even more of a trojan horse. When attached to any Windows PC, it will assimilate the machine into it's Borg-like collective: the iPod's firmware forces the PC to run a version of OS X off of it's G5 processor. Anyone who attempts to use the computer is subsequently Borgified and forced to visit Mac sites like this one daily during their lunch break at work.
Apparently at least one feature that won't be making it into the first revision of the G5 iPod is that the users eyes are actually replaced by iSights. Word is that resolution is great, but Apple is having problems with people looking funny under flourescent lights.
So there you have it, new PowerMacs "soon" and iPod G5's to follow shortly after that. Sing it from the rooftops! Just sing it pretty quietly. The neighbors are pricks.
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April 16 2004, 4:31 PM EDT, by
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Comments:
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| rlhamon |
4/16/04, 6:47 PM EDT |
Pass the Dutchie to the Left Hand Side - I said Pass the Dutchie to the Left hand side.
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| Omniscient |
4/16/04, 11:57 PM EDT |
Very funny guys... :-) I cracked up the whole ride. Thanks for putting a smile on my face before I get to bed. ha ha!
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| speedyrev |
4/17/04, 1:36 PM EDT |
You forgot that the screen will flash a hypnotic code that will cause all M$ users to admit that the Apple's rule the earth...
and stuff fishsticks down their pants.
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| Cosmic Stan |
4/17/04, 1:47 PM EDT |
My cheese is always here! My cheese is always here! You can't destroy matter, you can only convert it to fishsticks! Pannywooo!
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| sweetjimmyhugs |
4/18/04, 12:26 PM EDT |
Damn! I just bought an iPod. Now what am I supposed to do?
Great article!
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| Wasabe |
4/18/04, 9:48 PM EDT |
Well ill be damned. Its almost like an old Friday Rumor Roundup from the good ol' 2 guys days
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| Cletus |
4/19/04, 12:22 AM EDT |
I gotta great rumor ... but I can't tell ya.
Coz if I did I'd hafta kill ya.
Hope I didn't get yer hopes up too much then.
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