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The Stupidest Story Ever |
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 Warning - Do not try this at home. The 2 guys staff is professionally trained in the art of idiocy, and although it may look easy - it isn't. If you value your sanity, you may not want to read this story. If you expect to gain any information from reading this story, don't. If you're an evil knife wielding clown, you may want to skip this one. If you're on acid, peyote, opium, or other hallucinogen you may also want to skip this one. (Although if you're one of the last two, please contact us about contributing articles)
One day, after a long bout the night before with a bottle of Jim Beam, I decided to take a walk to shake off the cobwebs. I ventured forth into town and was walking along the sidewalk whistling a little ditty of my own creation (these were the days in the before-time, when iPods didn't exist and it was much harder to ignore people).
So I'm walking along, happily looking into store windows, looking for change on the ground, kicking homeless people, when I'm accosted by a male transvestite midget. He was wearing fishnet stockings, a black leather skirt and cute little vest made of ham. He runs up to me, waving a log of salami, saying "Zis meat is not up to zee standards! Koocha koocha koocha!", and then slaps me across the thigh with it. Of course, this was nothing new for me, so I did what any man would do in this situation. I attached a $5 dollar bill to the end of my handy pocket fishing rod and cast it out across the street. The midget ran after the bait, in that funny way that cross-dressing midgets wearing leather skirts and holding salami logs do, and was then suddenly distracted by a bunch of loud horn-like noises. I never did find out what happened to the little guy, as I suddenly started punching myself in the face for no reason whatsoever.
I couldn't work out why I was doing this so I asked myself, but I was too busy with the furious fist movements to be bothered to answer me. I thought I'd seek help at the nearest business I could find. After paying the uproarious cover charge of $10 dollars (which was very difficult to do what with the one arm punching myself in the face) I sauntered over to the bar of this place. The place looked very much like a strip club, in that there were women of various makes and models with different amounts of clothes on (or off). After ordering the hair of the dog that bit me, I questioned the bartender on my puzzling behavior. She said she might have some thoughts, and asked about my day's events so far. I related everthing that had previously transpired, and she stated that this was a not uncommon reaction for people that have run into salami-toting transvestite midgets.
She said she had a cure, but it wasn't fun. After spitting out a few chiclets I said, "Hey, it can't be worse than punching yourself, y'know!?" We laughed and laughed. She slapped me, poured a pitcher of beer over my head, and bounced my head around betwixt her bosoms. I was cured!
I had another drink, thanked her, and then started back on my merry way. I wasn't exactly sure which way that was, due to one or more of many possible reasons (concussions, alcohol, breasts in the face, stupidity) so I joined in with a bunch of dancing Hare Krishnas. We made our way to the airport, rattled tambourines in a few people's faces, and after a few years we parted ways.
I'd learned many things from the Hare's, although I can't remember exactly what, but I'll always cherish the months we spent together.
Not knowing what else to do, I went home to play Parappa The Rapper on my Playstation.
I guess the moral of the story is, never, ever, ever trust an evil knife-wielding clown to watch your kids, not even it he offers to do it for FREE. Oh yeah, and even MORE importantly - don't use Windows! |
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July 10 2003, 12:51 PM EDT, by
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Comments:
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| The Squirrel Master |
7/10/03, 12:26 PM EDT |
parappa the rapper is the coolest! and you have issues.
"WORD-A-RA!"
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| HTML Samurai |
7/10/03, 12:27 PM EDT |
I am now dumber for reading this, may God have mercy on your soul.
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| iken |
7/10/03, 3:24 PM EDT |
wow. wow. That's all I can say.
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| Jonathan |
7/10/03, 3:33 PM EDT |
Are you sure were related? :)
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| Wasabe |
7/10/03, 4:37 PM EDT |
Ok. Jonahan or Jonathan or John C. Monohan. Your a freak. And Tell me the difference bettween you people!!!!!!!!1
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| Zack |
7/11/03, 4:39 AM EDT |
It wasn't me, it was the one armed man.
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| Jonahan |
7/11/03, 11:12 AM EDT |
I'm feeling much better now, thanks)! It must have been all the damn rain giving me cabin fever. At least the story didn't consist entirely of "All work and no Mac makes John a dull boy"!
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| Jonahan |
7/11/03, 11:56 AM EDT |
Wasab-ster...
Me: John C. Monahan
Jonathan: Jonathan Monahan
We both sometimes go by "Jonahan" in our own circles, but I snatched the nickname up first for use here on this site.
I'm his uncle, even though only about 8 years seperate us. A good way to explain that would be to quote Douglas Adams, "There was an accident with a contraceptive and a time machine".
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| Wasab-ster |
7/11/03, 3:04 PM EDT |
Ok. that clears things up.
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| Jonathan |
7/11/03, 6:41 PM EDT |
Hehehe
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| stickman67 |
7/15/03, 4:21 AM EDT |
I've just read your story, and suddenly have an urge to clean out my earwax using a razor-sharp filleting knife and a meat mallet. Wish me luck ...
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| Jonahan |
7/18/03, 8:05 AM EDT |
It's been a few days....everything get cleaned out ok, Stick?
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| stickman67 |
7/24/03, 10:22 PM EDT |
agdslaga/sdgnxv x,d12378yaczxgp ,zmc c
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