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A Look Into the Vast World of Door Knobs and Reality Television |
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 Please welcome a new writer to the 2 Guy's crew: Danger's Sidekick!
Okay, I quit, I simply give up. America has turned into a life-less-jelly-mold-of-sub-human-trash. Go ahead, I dare you, tune into any of the major networks at primetime and what will you see? Reality shows. Reality shows about reality shows even. Heck, there’s even one about a bunch of people put in a huge house together with cameras everywhere. Who really gives a damn? Well, here’s my proposition: a show about door knobs. Yes, you read correctly, unless you happened to skim over this part, in which case you just missed a crucial part of this article. Door knobs people. They are the past, present and future, and they allow us to move from room to room, building to building with relative ease. Not to mention they allow the amazing use of locks, which help to keep stupid people from entering places they don’t belong.
Little has been known about the mysterious door knob until now. So sit back, relax, and allow me to open the door and shed some light on the subject of door knobs. Oh, and enjoy the show.
The inventor of the door knob was O. Dorsey (go figure) and he did it on December 10, 1878. Little, if anything is known about this man, so the first part of the show will involve six contestants. Their first challenge is to find the most information about O. Dorsey. Here’s the catch though, information on O. Dorsey is so difficult to find that most will drop their heads to the desk and beg for mercy as the host smiles and urges them onward in their endless quest for finding the most useless and abstract knowledge known to man.
 Whew, that made me tired just writing it, imagine what these poor saps (contestants) will have to go through. If you manage to make it though that round, congratulations are in order; you receive a golden door knob. For those who have failed, you will receive a door knob fashioned out of old dog excrement. Thanks for your time and have a nice life. Drum roll please, because it’s time for round two of whatever the heck this stupid show is called. Now with only three contestants remaining the thrills are running high as to who will come out on top. Each contestant will have to dismantle a door knob and pick through its many pieces. They will then have to give a summary on how it works and why it’s so much better than having to push the door open. See, now isn’t this becoming interesting? Wouldn’t you rather watch people dismantle a door knob and research its history then watch some half-naked guy roll around on some random island on another one of those crappy "Survivor" re-hatchings? What’s that you say, get on with the final deciding round of the door knob championship? Well, okay, if you insist.
Round three begins as follows: the two remaining contestant’s will be transported to a massive landfill/scrap yard area. They will have ten minutes to find the most door knobs. Whoever gathers the most in the ten minutes allocated will become the ultimate door knob champion. Along with the feeling of successfully beating out the competition and becoming a victor on yet another reality television show, they will receive six complimentary door knobs, all emblazoned with their initials. Why six you ask? Seven is too many, and five just wouldn’t feel right.
So what have we learned through this thoughtful and insightful look into door knobs and reality television? Most likely absolutely nothing, but hey, hopefully you had fun anyway. Oh, and don’t forget to write your local stations about the Ultimate Door Knob Challenge. There, that’s it, I’m done.
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August 2 2003, 10:54 AM EDT, by
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Comments:
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| Wasabe |
8/2/03, 12:58 PM EDT |
Well. This is a good spark into the site. A doorknow contest ;)
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| HTML Samurai |
8/4/03, 9:41 AM EDT |
That one kinda hurt my mellon...
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| va1entino |
8/4/03, 8:48 PM EDT |
What the hell?
Well, my 15 min. of fame are up...
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