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THE MICROSOFT CONSPIRACY |
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 We all hate Microsoft. Really, we do. Anything associated with Microsoft, either software or multi-billion dollar rich guys, suck.
But few have actually realized the deeper problem Microsoft has created. This problem will eventually tear apart the world, and end life as we know it.
You see, Microsoft is taking over the world.
They said I was crazy, and maybe I am. But I am SURE that Microsoft, in ten or twenty years, will definitely control the world and suffer all humanity.
Think about it. Think of all the millions of billions of trillions of people and businesses that rely on Microsoft for daily life. Over 96%* of all computers in the world has Microsoft Word installed. YOU probably have some kind of Microsoft software installed. Hell, I wrote this with Microsoft word. All of these people running on the same, crappy, insecure network.
And so I ask: what if it crashed?
What if the windows network, and all Microsoft software, suddenly crashed and stopped working? Millions would panic. The world would collapse on itself. All the businesses that run on windows would be destroyed. There would be riots, wars, and everyone would kill each other for some reason.
Microsoft knows this. They know that they can destroy the world with the click of a mouse, so therefore they have endless power over it. It's all part of a massive Microsoft conspiracy to take over the world. They'll threaten the world with shutting down their network and destroying their software, and then slowly take over every country (starting with the good old US of A) and Bill Gates will rule all who used Windows.
Even the United States Government runs on Microsoft. I know this, because I know people that work in the State Department. I’ve seen how the entire building runs on Microsoft Outlook. Microsoft controls the government! Now doesn't that make you feel safe?
I’m not entirely innocent of using Microsoft technology. In fact, I had a pretty close call. They almost killed me.
You see, I don't like Apple’s mouse. I’m sorry. Control-clicking got annoying after a while. So I decided to go out and get a two button mouse.
Then, my friend gave me a two-button mouse for my birthday. It was one hell of a mouse. It had 5 buttons. 5! And one of those wicked cool scrolly wheely thingies.
So I happily used my mouse, clicking away, when suddenly I noticed the “Microsoft” label on the back.
GAAAH! I’d been using a Microsoft mouse!! I didn't know what to do.
Then, I realized something.
Since I figured out that Microsoft was taking over the world, the Microsoft Corporation had labeled me as a “problem subject.” The mouse, when I put my hand on it, read my fingerprints and sent a wireless message back to Microsoft Headquarters on the moon and told them my location.
The next day, two heavily-armed Microsoft robots crashed down the door to my house. They stormed into my room, and pointed their overly large guns in my face. They told me that they had orders from Microsoft to terminate me, and I started to laugh.
I laughed and laughed. I laughed in the faces of those Microsoft robots.
The robots were running Microsoft software!! They crashed long before they could shoot me.
But anyway, we must rebel against the Microsoft tyrants! I hereby order you to eat any non-mac computer you see. Because, you see, when Microsoft takes over the world, it’s up to us Mac users to lead the rebellion, and take back the world from Microsoft.
Uh-oh. There’s a Microsoft spaceship outside my window.
Hey, whadya know! The ship crashed.
*statistics made up for shock value
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August 11 2004, 5:08 PM EDT, by
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Comments:
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| whatsinaname9000 |
8/11/04, 5:09 PM EDT |
my first article......i feel so important.....
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| Da John-like Creature |
8/11/04, 9:05 PM EDT |
mmmmm....a Dell...
they don't taste as good as IBMs tho...
does that mean I have to eat my Apple //C's ? :(
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| Da John-like Creature |
8/11/04, 9:58 PM EDT |
hmm....dis article ain't in my RSS...
even after deleting the cache...
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| whatsinaname9000 |
8/11/04, 10:04 PM EDT |
ill pretend i know what that means
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| iKen |
8/11/04, 10:13 PM EDT |
should be in there now.
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| veranodel378 |
8/12/04, 12:49 AM EDT |
nobody eat the emachines... i can tell they cut back on the seasoning.
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| Jonahan |
8/12/04, 8:22 AM EDT |
I knew it! Ever since we started this site, these black cars have been following me to work every day.
I always thought it was because I've been amassing weapons-grade uranium for a little side-project, but now I know the real reason!
Way to go whatsina, on uncovering this and the excellent journalistic piece!!! :-D I think you should spring the smoking gun now, you know, the link you sent me the other day...
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| rlhamon |
8/12/04, 12:01 PM EDT |
Actually he's not far off just read about Microsoft and oil company's and you'll see that yes they do have plans to rule the world.
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| whatsinaname9000 |
8/12/04, 12:09 PM EDT |
"I think you should spring the smoking gun now, you know, the link you sent me the other day..."
i was havin some problems with that....but i think theyre fixed now. should i do another article or put it in the comments?
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| rlhamon |
8/12/04, 1:07 PM EDT |
Here's one link that I had bookmarked
http://www.arabwideweb.com/english/Oil_Gas_News.asp?id=8
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| sweetjimmyhugs |
8/12/04, 1:40 PM EDT |
Good Stuff.
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| Charlie |
8/12/04, 2:10 PM EDT |
Does anyone remember the whole Bill Gates 3, ASC II to 666 dealie? But I think they change it to William, maybe that's cheating.
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8/12/04, 2:20 PM EDT |
The only reason why 96% of the world uses Microsoft and all is because they're retarded . . . whatsinaname9000, you shouldn't be using Microsoft Word, that's why they had AppleWorks . . . Besides, AppleWorks is so much better!
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| Jonahan |
8/12/04, 5:37 PM EDT |
whatsinaname, I'm not sure, whichever you think is funnier... er... I mean, would make more people realize the truth about Microsoft. ;-)
Actually if you could think of a good lead-in story, then I would post that, otherwise, maybe just post the link? I dunno...
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| HTML Samurai |
8/13/04, 4:18 PM EDT |
Good job on your first article!
But I am not sure that there actually are trillions of people in the world. However, if there where, they would probably be mostly mindless sheep using Windows.
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| stickman67 |
8/19/04, 12:48 AM EDT |
Well, if wearing lime-green underpants doesn't ward of those Microsoft lawyers, sixteen cloves of garlic and a cross carved of ebony brandished thrice daily and at the setting of the sun will at least ward off vampires and Republican senators.
Or so the old folk used to say.
Damned lizards! Every time I have mushrooms on toast they come crawling under my door and trying to eat my licorice boots!
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