 |
Search |
|
|
|
|
Classic 2 Guys |
|
10 Random Stories:
|
|
|
|
If Operating Systems Were Cars |
|
 Ever wonder what your car would be like if it were designed like the major operating systems were? Wonder no more. . .
Win95 - This is the car of yesteryear's yesteryear. Though completely obsolete in every way some people still drive it. It gets 6 mpg, tends to die at odd moments and has a bad habit of catching fire and killing all aboard. Despite these draw backs some owners still have one of these sitting in the garage.
Win98 - This is really just a Win95 model with a slightly better fire-suppression system and a better paint job. Though more advanced than its predecessor major flaws still remain. It might not explode like Win95 did but it does have a tendency to periodically eject you from the car when you go over 55 mph. Oddly enough it too continues to enjoy wide support even though its owners admit that better and cheaper options exist.
Win2000 - This is really just a Win98 model with a much better paint job. Sadly it has numerous problems which were officially renamed "features". Such features include simultaneously blowing out all four tires, the ability to only roll one window down at a time, the option of buying three more seats so that other people can ride in your car and a windshield made of stained glass. Pretty but not very useful. Win2000 was the most reliable WinCar to date. Sadly, like its predecessors it would sometimes turn a bright shade of blue and completely stop working. Many drivers were killed when this happened to them while driving on interstate.
WinME - This was supposed to be the next big thing from WinCars however it turned out to be more like one of those future-cars that people in the 40's thought we would drive 60 years later. It has lots of flash and dash however its completely useless. This model was discontinued because even under best driving conditions when the car was driven according to the manual it would catch fire, blow a tire, roll over, decapitate you with the airbag and then burn itself into slag. You are more likely to see a Win95 model on the road than this thing.
WinXP - Introduced as the latest and greatest from WinCar this was the ultimate in driving experience. Slightly larger than Aircraft Carrier WinXP had the ability to do everything, it just did it poorly. The main downside was the ease with which car thieves could break in and steal your CD player. At first, all they had to do was open the door. After that WinCar did a recall and installed door locks. This didn't help much because people never locked their doors. After crooks started stealing everything that wasn't nailed down and then driving the car into a burning building people started locking their doors. However by this time criminals started using coat hangers. Another recall later and anti-coat hanger devices were installed. Soon criminals had so many different ways of breaking into your car that seperate companies sprung up that existed solely to sell you WinClub and similar anti-theft devices. Sadly this trend has been going on for several years with no end in sight.
WinLonghorn - This car was going to come out shortly after the horde of critical flaws in XP were discovered. This model was to include warp engines, cloaking fields, time travel portals, anti-criminal auto targeting phasers, telepathic interface etc. Sadly, despite legions of workers, no one at WinCar could seem to really implement these ideas. So, after pushing the deadline back by 4 years and cutting most of the features that was to make this model so special WinCar has decided to just rerelease WinXP with a new paint job and hope no one notices.
Mac OS 7.0-9.2 This was the AppleCar equivalent of WinCar's 95,98 and 2000 models. Mac's cars all tended to look the same but were much more reliable than WinCars. Despite being solar powered, coming with custom interiors and stellar reliability sales were sluggish. Many pundits have noticed striking resemblances between a MacCar model and the WinCar model released the next year.
Mac OS X - This is a solar powered, all terrain vehicle that never breaks down and has a crusing speed of 80% the speed of light. Recent editions allow one to not only fly but engage in a high- altitude orbit of the earth. Theft is not a problem because once you exit the car it morphs into a seamless sphere providing no access without the key. Despite having more features than any of the WinCar's products adoption of this model has been also been slow. Though it should be noted that you will never see one of these on the side of the road with a shirt rolled up in the window.
Unix - Originally designed by masochist UnixCar has improved considerably over the years. All models are essentially gun-metal gray cubes with four wheels and a headlight that can inflict fourth degree burns. There is no windshield, instead you navigate using radar and thermal imaging (it takes a little practice to be sure). The first dozen or so models had no gauges, warning lights, indicators or displays at all. Instead that was just one large red bulb that would come on when a problem occurred. Thankfully that feature is long gone (now there are two bulbs!). While not as intuitive as most other manufacturers, UC's continually produces reliable transportation. Though never one to win any beauty awards this baby will get you were you need to go with utmost security.
Linux - One day a large automaker went out of business. Ex-employees raided the place before the lawyers got there and carried off parts and plans to the current generation of cars. Thus one guy eventually built his own car from scratch. Granted, you could still outrun it on a unicycle but it was a start. Over time a large socialist corporation was formed in which everyone created their own car but put a LinuxCar bumper sticker on it anyway. Currently there are over 4,000 different LinuxCars being sold or given away for free. Some resemble the UnixCar cube design, some favor the more flashy WinCar style while others sport a more Mac/UnixCar hybrid look. Linux cars tend to cater to the specialty crowd more so than any other manufacturer. For example SuCsCar's Linux model produces cars that are actually suitcases and can thus fold up and be dragged various places. RedLightCar's Linux model automatically stops at all red lights. KnokItCar's Linux model is merely four wheels, a seat, steering wheel and an engine attached to a frame. It is advisable to wear eye protection to avoid being blinded by bugs when driving this model. NsCar's Linux Model is designed for those speed freaks who never go in reverse only like to turn left. On the whole LinuxCars tend to be reliable and secure but some interfaces can leave something to be desired. People who use this car tend to tinker with their auto all the time. Many times while they are driving down the road much to the confusion of other drivers. |
|
February 22 2005, 10:27 AM EDT, by |
Comments:
|
| nhmacusr |
2/22/05, 11:00 AM EDT |
You forgot to mention that hte LinuxCar barebones model comes with all of the parts in a box that you can assemble yourself! You even get the plans! However, they might not be in the right order.
|
| cAtraXx |
2/22/05, 12:31 PM EDT |
Very well done :D
|
| SJH |
2/22/05, 2:50 PM EDT |
Funny, insightful, good spelling.... my only question: Where are the pants and cheese references?
Good jorb!
|
| DJLC |
2/22/05, 5:40 PM EDT |
Me like, me like.
Is it just me, or are you new? Well, regardless, good article. Just put in more pants, cheese and fishsticks next time!
|
| JR |
2/22/05, 6:56 PM EDT |
I have a short story for you guys in somewhat relating to this story. I was telling my mother in law the advantages of the mac over crap windows. She's somewhat computer literate. I told her the mac does not have any viruses compared to thousands and thousands for windows. She told me "well, not yet" and then laughed kinda made me upset. But I still plug along on my Imac G5 and very happy with it. I will appreciate any comments. Thanks
|
| Ains |
2/22/05, 8:36 PM EDT |
By golly, that was some good stuff. :) It's great!
|
| mactheplanet |
2/22/05, 9:34 PM EDT |
thumbs up
|
| nhmacusr |
2/23/05, 8:55 AM EDT |
JR,
Neither of you are entirely correct. Mac OS X does have some vulnerabilities and viruses. However, they are relatively rare. But what Mac OS X has over windows is this: Because Mac OS X is based on UNIX, you have an operating system where security was thought about first and usability second. With windows, the design considerations were the other way around. As a result, you got an operating system that isn't good at either. In addition, windows has to maintain a very high level of backwards compatability. In some cases, bugs cannot be fixed. They actually haveto be replicated in later versions in order for software to continue to operate. This pollutes the code base and makes it very difficult to police yourself. What it boils down to is Windows will always be less secure because people would freak if it were any harder to use. They are trying hard to find a middle ground (ala service pack 2) but I think it is too far in the ballgame to start now. That is why Longhorn is a ground up rewrite.
|
| jstoup |
2/23/05, 10:09 AM EDT |
Well, this is my first post and I am glad to see that a few people liked it. And to answer your question DJLC, yes, I am new. You can expect more amusing stories, list and biting commentary from me on random-Mac related issues. If you have any request let me know.
And what is all this gibberish about cheese and pants?
|
| Mike |
2/26/05, 11:28 AM EDT |
Small issue - what you say about Windows 2000 isn't true. 2000 was based on the Win NT codebase, considered much more secure than the 95/8 codebase. While ME (shudder) continued the 9x codebase, XP took on the Win 2000 baton, which explains why it runs so much better than ME, 98 and 95.
They all still blow chunks though.
|
| schizzylogic |
2/26/05, 9:20 PM EDT |
Heh, you forgot about the WarpCar which was made by the WinCar company based on specs from a separate designer. The WarpCar was by far much more solid than anything WinCar has done since, but for some strange reason, the WarpCar would automatically turn itself off and pull over to the side of the road whenever a WinCar was behind it.
|
This article is archived, so you may not comment on it.
(The good news is there's always the shoutbox, the forums or the contact form if you're socially-inclined at the moment!)
|
|
|
|
Site Links |
|
|
|
|
Deep Thoughts |
|
|
If you're an ant, and you're walking across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of the pudding skin.
|
|
Around Da Web |
|
| iProng: |
iPhone steals show at CTIA Wireless 2007
|
DLO offers dual cover fashion case for iPod
|
AT&T received 1M inquiries on iPhone
|
| MacDailyNews: |
Ars Technica in-depth review: Apple TV ?impressed all those who touched it?
|
Inside Apple?s Mac OS X 10.5 Leopard Server OS
|
The chips inside Apple TV
|
| Think Secret: |
Adobe Creative Suite 3 pricing revealed
|
|
|
We Like: |
|
|
|
|
Side Projects |
|
Jonahan
- JediPoker.net
- Jonahan.com
- iProng
- MacProng
iKen
Jedbeck
J.P.
|
|
